Pandemonium
by moon strut
Summary: In which Sasuke's panicking, Naruto's butt is sore, and Sakura is a pervert. "What do you want for your birthday, Sakura?" "Get me... a male stripper! One that dresses like a police man or kidnaps me!" This couldn't end well. —sasuke


disclaimer: Wouldn't it be great if I owned Naruto? The world would be crack. But I don't. So poopie.

* * *

He was panicking. But he wouldn't admit nor show it. Because _he_ was not one to panic. No, because he was Uchiha Sasuke. And Uchihas do NOT panic. No matter what, he refused to lose his composure. He paced back and forth around the cramped apartment bedroom while a certain blond watched him with amusement.

"Hey, Sasuke-teme... What're you doing?" Said blond asked the other, who was too busy wracking his brain for answers. The blond's eyes continued to follow his friend's movements. "Hey, I'm talking to you!"

Only then did Sasuke look up at the idiot he called his best friend. "Not now, Naruto." Said male only scowled and rubbed his eyes sleepily.

"Dude. You woke me up at..." He glanced at the nearby clock. "6:20 just so you can walk around, dirtying my floor?"

"One, your floor is dirty enough as it is. Two, I'm surprised you could actually read the time." The dark-haired male stated, not even looking up this time.

"Shut up! I can read the time..." Naruto crossed his arms, turning his head to the side, pouting and acting much like a child. "But that doesn't answer my question, what are you doing here so early?"

Sasuke stopped pacing momentarily, only to send a glare towards is company. "That's none of your business."

"What the hell!? This is MY apartment, Teme!" He returned the glare just as fiercely.

He paused. He said nothing and didn't move. A suffocating silence filled the room, and to Naruto, it was unbearable. He shifted in his seat on his bed uncomfortably, waiting for a response, a grunt even, ANYTHING.

"Just SAY something already!"

"..." Coal orbs eyed the stack of emptied instant ramen bowls. "Dobe, eating ramen alone will kill you before I do."

Naruto glared a hole into Sasuke's chest, but said target didn't even flinch. "Don't try to change the subject!"

The Uchiha sighed, defeated. "Okay, fine, I came here to help you clean up. And maybe we could go spare later."

The blond looked at him suspiciously, but it soon changed into a look of surprise. "Oh, really? Wow, Teme, tha- HEY WAIT A MINUTE! You liar!"

Sasuke faked hurt. "What makes you say that?"

"You're never that nice!"

"A guy can change."

"A guy can, but YOU can't!"

"What're you trying to say? I'm not a guy?"

"Yes! Wait- No! You- I just- Stop CONFUSING me, TEME!!"

"I guess your brain can't handle an attack of that level."

"SHUT UP, TEME! You're so mean! AND you LIED!"

"I did not."

"Yeah, you DID, LIAR LIAR DANCE FOR HIRE!"

"It's pants on fire, Dobe."

"What ever, you're still a liar! And I bet you DANCED for Orochimaru so he would HIRE you!"

"I told you not to mention him ever again!"

"Oh? Little Sasu-chan doesn't like Orochimaru? Is it 'cause he made you Uke? HAHA, SasUKE!"

"NARUTO, YOU'RE GOING TO DIE."

"SUCK MY DICK, TEME!"

...

...

...

A chaotic chase around Naruto's apartment, and many MANY wedgies later...

"Fucking Teme... Agh I can't walk straight anymore...!" Naruto mumbled as he limped to Ichiraku's. As he sat down, he exhaled, feeling relieved of the pain in his behind. A shadow moved over him, blocking the sunlight that hit him. He turned around to find the source the obscurity. His face lit up instantly.

"Sakura-chan!" Said pink-haired kunoichi smiled at him.

"Hey, Naruto! What's up? I saw you limping here. Did you get hurt on a mission?" She pointed to his seat in concern.

"Ah... No, it was just Sasuke-teme." He laughed sheepishly. "God, my ass still hurts..." His look of pain turned into one of confusion. "Uh, Sakura-chan? What's the ma-"

"OHMYGOD!" One hand covered her mouth, and the other pointed at him accusingly, eyes wide.

"What!? Is there a bug on me!?" Naruto began to panic also in the heat of the moment. "Get it off, Sakura-chan!"

"No, Idiot! You and-and SASUKE!??"

"Wha..? What about me and Teme?"

"Y-you guys did...?"

"Did...?" Eyebrow raised.

"You know..."

"... No..."

"OH MY GOSH, Naruto. You guys did.. it?"

"What's it?"

"It is IT!"

"What the fuck are you talking about!?"

"IT! You and Sasuke. DID. IT."

Naruto let it process in his mind. After a few moments, his face scrunched up in disgust.

"EWWWW, SAKURA-CHAN! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING, YOU PERVERT!"

"But I was right, wasn't I!?"

"NOOO! Sasuke wedgied me... A lot. It hurt. He's such a bully, Sakura-chan, help me!"

"OH, psshhh, Naruto, had me worried for a second there."

"Why would Sasuke and I do... _it_...? He's dating YOU, isn't he?"

"Yeah, well, you never know, a guy can change." She laughed sheepishly.

"Weird, that's exactly what Sasuke said earlier when he was... panicking..." They abruptly stopped laughing altogether.

"You don't think...?"

"Think what?" A new, deeper voice cut in, coming in from behind the Sakura. Said girl jumped visibly and turned around nervously.

"Eh heh heh.. Nothing, Sasuke... Nothing at all..." Sasuke raised a perfectly shaped eyebrow but soon replaced it with a triumphant smirk when he saw the blond shift in his seat in discomfort. In turn, Naruto glared at him, spinning around to finally order some ramen.

Ignoring his friend, Sasuke turned back to the problem at hand. If there was anything that would give him a hard time, it would be this particular situation. He took the pink-haired kunoichi's hand and led her away from Ichiraku's onto the bustling streets of Konoha.

"So..." He mumbled, unsure of how to start a conversation.

"Hm?"

"So, what do you want... for your birthday, Sakura?" She stopped walking, surprised.

"You remembered?"

"Well, I should, right?"

"I... guess." She smiled brightly at him, pinching his cheek, which earned her a disapproving grunt. "Thanks, Sasuke, but it's alright, I don't need anything. At least you remembered, right?"

"But you have something you want."

"No, no, it's okay."

"Sakura..."

"I don't want anything, Sasuke."

"..."

"Honest."

"Sakura, I'm going to get you something. Now what do you want?"

She sighed, exasperated. "Fine, if you insist..."

He watched her tapping her chin while she thought.

"Get me..."

He unconsciously leaned in closer, awaiting the answer.

"A male stripper!" She grinned happily. He scowled in disapproval.

"One that dresses like a police man or kidnaps me!" The scowl deepened.

"... Absolutely not."

"Sasuke, you INSISTED on getting me something, and now, when I tell you what I want, you don't want to get it?"

"... Strippers are absolutely unacceptable."

"Killjoy." He glared at her, but she only waved it off. He grunted.

"See, I told you it's too much trouble."

"... Is that the ONLY thing you can think of?"

She smiled at him, pinching his cheek again. "I'm going to go to the Hokage tower. Bye, Sasuke~"

"Don't ignore me! Sakura!"

...

...

...

He could not believe he was doing this. Never did he think he was going to go this far for help. Then again, he never panicked. The apocalypse was near, he concluded.

He entered the shop reluctantly. No, he was NOT going to get Sakura a male stripper.

He stared his source of help uncertainly. He should have thought this one through more carefully.

"Hey, Sasuke~! What brings _you_ here?" Yamanaka Ino grinned deviously before him.

"... I.. your... lp..." He mumbled, struggling to hold onto his dignity.

"What was that? I couldn't hear you."

"I...ed...your...elp."

"Come again?"

"I NEED YOUR HELP!" The blond stared, partially bewildered at his uncharacteristic actions.

"My, my. I never thought I would see the day where Uchiha Sasuke came to _me_ for help."

"Just get on with it already."

"What do you need help with, first of all? Could it be...? A present for Sakura, yes?"

"How did you..?" He stared at her questioningly.

"Women's intuition, babe."

"Don't call me that."

"What do you want to give her? Flowers, perhaps?"

"She wouldn't tell me what she wants. And no, I don't want to give her flowers."

Dramatic sigh. "DUH, Sasuke, a girl isn't supposed to tell you what she wants! You have to figure it out for yourself!"

"How am I supposed to do that?" To him, a female's mind was a mystery. In fact, all males agreed on that.

"Give her something she likes! Something that'll make her feel all gooey inside!"

"Like..?"

"GAWD, Sasuke, you're so HOPELESS."

"That's why I came to you."

"Gee, thanks."

"Do YOU have any ideas?"

"Hm... why not get her... a male stripper!"

"..."

"What?"

He proceeded to ignore her further and exited the flower shop.

"What, Sasuke!? Hey, didn't you want my help!?" She called after him.

He regretted ever entering her shop. The blond was no help, and furthermore, she irritated him. Not annoyed, but irritated. Because annoying is what he- never mind.

...

...

...

"So, you need MY help." It wasn't a question. He merely nodded.

"You. Need. My. Help."

"You, Uchiha Sasuke, need my help."

"You-"

"_Yes._ I do."

The brunette stifled a chuckle and then threw her head back, laughing openly. The Uchiha sighed. Why was it that all these people were so damn irritating? Especially this girl in front of him, Tenten, was it?

"Okay... okay, I'm done."

"Took you long enough."

She glared at him. "So, what do you need help with?"

"It's-"

"Wait, don't tell me! You need to get Sakura a birthday present!"

What was with these women knowing what he was about say? The female mind amazed even further.

He nodded.

"Okay, I got this! Get her... something cute... like a puppy! Or, or a-"

"_Why_?"

"Because! Girls like cute things!" He only stared at her. "Fine! Get her... a male stripper! A _cute _one!" She squealed.

That's it. THAT IS IT. Sasuke had no idea what the deal was with these male strippers. Likewise, he had no idea what the Hyuuga saw in this freakish woman. He left without a word.

"Sasuke! Don't forget, cute is good!" She called after him.

...

...

...

"You should get her something that means a lot to her..."

Once again, Sasuke was had by that ever-so strange female mind. And once again, he was surprised that he was asking for help. Being with Sakura really made him desperate at times.

"..."

"I-I mean! Something... something she likes will be okay..."

"I don't know what to get her."

"Well... I think, as long as you get her something, she'll be happy..."

He was flabbergasted. Who would have thought asking the other Hyuuga (Hinata was it?) would prove to help him most. But he was still in a dilemma.

"Thanks, I guess."

"Uhm, you're welcome, Uchiha-san."

He stopped in his tracks and turned his back to look at her.

"You... like the Dobe, correct?"

He didn't miss the way she blushed a furious red, stuttering inchorent fragments. He smirked. He just didn't see what she saw in Naruto.

...

...

...

"Sasuke, I told you, you didn't have to get me anything." He stopped dragging the pink-haired girl as soon as they reached the bridge where Team 7 used to meet up. He leaned on the railing, watching as the pale moon illuminated the water.

"I... wanted to get you something."

"You didn't have to."

"I _wanted_ to... But I couldn't think of anything."

"It's fine, Sasuke. And why'd you drag me back here?"

"I.. don't really know." She took her spot next to him.

"This place brings back a lot of memories." She closed her eyes, smiling, reminiscing their old genin days.

"Hnn..." He glanced at her in the corner of his eye. "I... went to your girl friends for help."

"You did _what_? You, Uchiha Sasuke, went to my friends for help?" Why was everyone so amazed? Well, he for one, was, as well.

"Yeah, they didn't help me think of something to get you, but they helped in another way."

"... And what is that?"

The Yamanaka implied showering her in gifts. Tenten suggested getting her something cute. The Hyuuga said that it's the thought that counts.

And he could only think of one thing that matched all three. It was very uncharacteristic, but he didn't care.

"Sasuke...?" Sakura asked when he didn't say anything. He turned towards her and...

He kissed her.

When he pulled back, her emotions were battling inside her, and it was strangely showing up on her face.

Her mouth moved like a fish's, thinking of what to say.

How had Sasuke had decided on this?

A kiss was cute, though he would never _ever_ admit that outloud. It meant more than anything else. And, as for showering her in them...

"Only 99 more to go." And he smirked. He agreed, he was acting very un-Sasuke-like. But who knows?

A guy can change.

* * *

A/N: Whew! I had to do this, teehee. I know, it's not Sakura's birthday but it IS mine. See, aren't I great? I'm writing a oneshot for you people on MY birthday. It's on July 12, btw. I woulda posted this then, but I'll be gone this weekend.

So how was it? Good, bad? Sasuke was a bit OOC, I apologize, but it was necessary.

Tell me whatchu think, review if you pleeease. Ah, by the way, this takes place after Sasuke comes back, yah'dig?

You guys are love, thanks.


End file.
